EFFECTIVE
LISTENING
“Are you really listening…or are you just waiting for your
turn to talk?” – R. Montgomery
Take a moment to think
of the best listener you know - someone you really feel you can talk
to and who truly understands you. Now think about what makes them such
a good listener. What do they do that lets you know they are listening?
Chances are, some of the following tactics are used. Maybe you have
never even noticed them before (they are all quite subtle) and that
is part of what makes them so effective.
Communication is a
two-way street consisting of speaking and listening. We are often introduced
to tips on improving our speaking skills, but it is taken for granted
that we know how to listen. Since most of us are not born with effective
listening skills, the following tips may help you become a better listener.
-
Active
silence. When you are listening, speak only when you need clarification
or to summarize what you have heard. Do not be afraid of “silent
spots” – by allowing silence in your conversation, you may
actually get more information than if you jump in to fill the awkwardness
of silence.
-
Summarize.
As mentioned above, it is a good idea to summarize, in your own words,
what the speaker has told you. Not only does this allow you to make
sure you have understood everything correctly, it lets your speaker
know you truly are listening.
-
Nonverbals.
Believe it or not, the way you present yourself often determines what
or how much your speaker will tell you. If your nonverbals relay the
message that you are uninterested, bored or in a hurry, your speaker
will pick up on that. Keep these nonverbal cues in mind:
-
Maintain
eye contact.
-
Keep
your posture open and relaxed (avoid crossing your arms).
-
Nod,
smile, “I see” – let your speaker know you are
still listening.
-
Avoid
looking at your watch. If you do not have time to meet, let
your speaker know this and set up an alternative meeting.
-
Avoid
distractions. Imagine you are telling someone about the biggest crisis
of your life. Just when you are about to get to the main point, the
phone rings and your listener takes the call! Even if the topic is
not extremely personal or emotional, people want to know they have
your full attention. By closing your office door or taking your phone
off the hook, you have let your speaker know that she is your main
focus.
-
Clear
your head. Not only is it a good idea to free your mind of your own
problems and concerns when listening to others, it often helps to
push back any preconceived ideas you may have about the person or
topic. This does not mean you should forget your values and opinions,
but rather that you should keep an open mind. If you belong to an
organization that promotes each person’s duty to vote and someone
comes to talk to you about why voting is a waste of time, enter the
conversation with the attitude that you will learn something from
this person. You will find your conversation to be much more effective
(and your speaker much less defensive) this way.
-
Stay
awake. Listening – unlike hearing – is an active job. If
you are so tired you are nodding off, or if you are preoccupied with
something, you might suggest setting up an alternative time to talk
to avoid offending or hurting your speaker.
-
Stay
calm. If your speaker is using highly emotional words or getting visibly
upset, remain calm. If you allow yourself to become over-stimulated
by what is being said, you will not be able to focus on the main point.
You may come across
a person or two in your lifetime who enjoys talking. And talking. And
then talking some more. In these situations, using the above tips may
keep you in the conversation for several days. If you encounter a “talker”
and need to keep it short, let him know right from the start that you
only have fifteen minutes (or whatever your time limit may be). If you
make this clear, there should be no hurt feelings when you get ready
to leave after fifteen minutes.
Another strategy is
to establish together your goal of the conversation and continually
refer to it. For example, you may decide at the beginning of your meeting
that your goal is to figure out how to improve member participation
at your organization’s meetings. Whenever your speaker gets off
track, you could say, “How does this relate to member participation
at meetings?” or “That’s really interesting and I’d
love to hear about it later, but for the moment we need to stick to
our goal.”
Once you have developed
effective listening skills, you may find others increasing their trust
in you. Not only do effective listening skills improve your leadership
ability, they improve your interpersonal relationships as well.
Reference:
Bittleston,
J. & Shorter, B. (1981). The Book of Business Communications Checklists.
London: Associated Business Press.
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