PERFECTIONISM
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
– Steven Wright
Through advertising
on TV, radio, billboards and other popular media, we are constantly
told that we can achieve perfection in everything: the perfect gift,
the dream vacation, an ideal hair day. The catch is we must buy their
products in order to achieve this state of perfection. If only we had
the perfect job that paid the perfect salary so we could afford perfection!
The fact is, that
regardless of those people who seem to succeed at everything they try,
nobody is perfect. Trying to achieve this non-existent state can be
not only extremely frustrating and depressing, but also incredibly dangerous
to our health and our well-being. We have all heard stories about women
who starve themselves in an attempt to look like supermodels or men
who take steroids in an effort to meet their goal of making it to the
finals in a sporting event. While it is a great idea to set goals, “realistic”
must be a key phrase to keep in mind. And establishing healthy, life-enhancing
steps to accomplish these goals will prove much more successful than
the destructive patterns referenced earlier.
You might experience
bouts with perfectionism in other aspects of your life. Do you often
redo your homework problems because your eraser smeared on one of the
original pages? Do you beat yourself up when you receive a “B”
or “C” on a term paper? How often have you led a meeting where
no one felt like participating and you blamed yourself for days afterward?
And when it comes
down to it, what good does it do to get down on yourself about these
situations?
Rather than defeating
yourself with constant criticism and unhealthy decisions, take a step
back and evaluate your situation. What could you do that might improve
your situation?
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Acknowledge
and move on. One of the greatest statements ever made! When you receive
that term paper with a lower grade than you expected, don’t cut
yourself down and decide you are not worth anything. At the same time,
you do not have to ignore the fact that you received a lower grade
than you anticipated. Put the paper in your bag and in a couple of
hours, after you have relaxed with a good dinner and an episode of
Seinfeld, take out the paper and look at it objectively. What were
the strong points of your paper? Areas to be improved? Write down
specific areas to refine and review this list when composing your
next paper. Do you feel your grade was unjustified? Write down your
reasons in a clear, thoughtful manner and after a day has passed,
make an appointment with your professor to discuss your thoughts. Regardless
of whether your grade is changed as a result of this meeting, you
will have a better understanding of the professor’s grading procedures,
and she will be aware of your sincere interest to perform well in
the class.
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Don’t
compare yourself. One of the cruelest things we do to ourselves is
compare ourselves to others. “Why can’t I get good grades
like my sister?” “Why am I less successful than John?”
“Why can’t I look like Raquel?” Instead of these questions,
we should be asking ourselves, “What are my greatest strengths?
What goals do I have for my life? What steps can I take to achieve
them?” Rather than comparing yourself to others, set realistic
goals for yourself and establish ways to reach them.
-
Have
patience. Don’t expect to knit a perfect scarf the first time
you pick up needles – or even the second or third. Patience is
a virtue and developing a talent often takes time (and a lot of it!). Again, do not let it bother you if your best friend wins first place
in a talent show the first time she sings in public. Some people have
natural talents that don’t take a long time to improve and others
have to work at them.
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Give
yourself a break. As was once stated, “You may not know all the
answers, but you probably won’t be asked all the questions, either.”
Sometimes doing your best is good enough – and probably a lot
better than you think.
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Think
big picture. Don’t be completely dismayed by setbacks. In the
grand scheme of life, what will a B- on one assignment mean to you
in 25 years? What will it matter that you burned an entire batch of
chocolate chip cookies? Though they may seem major at the time they
occur, everything can be put into perspective.
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Be
yourself – not who others want. Sometimes it is other people
– parents, professors, friends – who are putting unrealistic
pressure on us. Although it may be difficult at first, make it clear
to them that you will do your personal best and they need to accept
that. You need to do what is healthy, constructive and will give you
pleasure. Remember the line from country legend Ricky Nelson: “Well
it’s all right now, I’ve learned my lesson well, you see
you can’t please everyone so you’ve got to please yourself!”